The baby that lived

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

The baby won’t stop crying. What does he need? She had tried, feeding, burping, rocking him, just holding him but he continued to cry. So she left him on the bed and just looked at him. 

They said babies sleep all the time, for 18 hours or more in the day. Not hers. Where were those babies? She was at her wits end. 

The rare moments he would sleep, he looked so sweet, he meant the world to her. 

A thought came to her mind. Maybe she should just smother him with a pillow or take a knife to him or throw him from the terrace of their single floor house. 

What were these thoughts? Where did they come from? 

What kind of a mother was she? Which mother thinks like this? Maybe she wasn’t meant to be a mother. These thoughts were very unnatural and she must not think them. She must not think them. She must not think them. Thank God, nobody knew what was in her head. 

It was her baby. She was supposed to love him. She carried him within her for 40 weeks. And loved the moments when she could feel the life within her. When he would kick around, she felt really happy. It was something that can only be experienced not said in words. 

The pregnancy was such a wonderful time. She didn’t have any of the issues most women face. The first trimester was difficult, but after that it was easy. Except for the swollen feet and the itching on the feet towards the last few weeks. Otherwise it was very uneventful. 

She spent the whole day all alone with the baby. As soon as the thoughts came, she tried to erase them. They were taboo. Thankfully, she never got the courage to act on her thoughts. But, the thoughts didn't leave her for a long time. 

Finally the thoughts left once she went back to work. 

It was her very own secret, nobody knew about it. Nobody had to know. And the baby lived! 

Then three years later, in the Sunday newspaper she read about Brooke Shields and her battle with postpartum depression. 

She felt vindicated. So she wasn’t the worst mother in the world. 

She was just grateful that her baby lived.